By Nora Beechwood
In the last few years, especially during the peak of the #MeToo movement, the word consent might’ve come across your screen. While the word is widely used among activists and survivors of sexual assault, chances are you didn’t first hear the word in sex ed, or from wherever you got the birds and bees talk, for that matter.
Consent is the most important part of any sexual encounter, regardless of how far it goes. There are also conflicting understandings about what consent is, how to give it, and what to do if you’ve been assaulted. So, this guide is to help you and whoever you’re sharing the moment with get on the same page.
First of all: what is consent?
Consent is a voluntary, enthusiastic, and clear agreement between the participants to engage in a specific activity. Essentially, you are giving someone permission to do something. For every stage of the encounter, ask for permission.
Whether it’s switching positions, involving a toy, or trying something new, always ask the other person if they would like to give it a shot. Do not pressure someone to participate in something that they have repeatedly said no to. Just because you’re in a relationship does not mean that you have a free pass to your partner’s body.
Consent may seem daunting at first, but the alternative — possibly sexually assaulting someone — is far worse. Before anything happens, check in with your partner and see what they’re okay with. Establish a safe word that you can both use if you feel panicked, in pain, or just want to stop.
When the safe word is used, agree that you will stop immediately and make sure that your partner is okay and safe. Some phrases that you can use before or during foreplay are:
- “Can I kiss you?”
- “Can I take these off?”
- “Is it okay if we try _______?”
- “Can I touch you there?”
- “How far are you comfortable going tonight?”
Unless you get a hard yes from the other person, do not go further. There is absolutely no excuse as to why you would or should continue what you’re doing if the other participant does not give you a clear yes to the activity at hand. The absence of a “no” does not mean “yes.” The same applies to:
- “Maybe.”
- “I’m not sure.”
- “I don’t know.”
- “Maybe we should wait.”
A person may also communicate with you using body language. Someone who is disengaged and/or uncomfortable may do the following:
- Pulling away
- Pushing away
- Avoiding eye contact
- Shaking their head
- Is laying motionless or might be trembling
- Looks panicked/upset/sad
- Very quiet or completely silent
If you notice that your partner is displaying any of these behaviors, reel it in. Ask them if they are alright, if they don’t feel good, if they want to keep going, etc. If they want to stop, do not pressure them to continue. Everyone has the right to cease sex if they are not comfortable with what is going on, and if you continue while they protest, you could be committing a crime.
If you’re still a little confused about this topic, let’s use a different scenario that isn’t sex. Say you and someone else go out to dinner together, and you’re both looking over the menu. You ask them what they want to eat, and they point to something spicy, saying that they want to try that. However, when the food arrives, they realize they can’t handle spicy food; or they take a bite and decide that they don’t like it.
Would you force-feed them because the food is already at the table, or berate them for not eating it? No, because there are other options on the menu, and you wouldn’t want to harm them.
Let’s say that they finish the spicy food, and they enjoyed it. When you and that friend go back to the restaurant, you ask if they’ll order what they had last time. They shake their head and say that they weren’t in the mood for spicy food today.
“But, you were okay with spicy food the last time we were here,” you say. They shake their head, “Just because I had it last time doesn’t mean that I’ll have it again. Or it might be awhile before I want to try it again.”
Are you going to order spicy food on their behalf and force them to eat it? No, because that sounds absolutely ridiculous. However, this raises the problem of assuming that someone is always okay with something after they’ve already done it once with you. Just because someone may have kissed you, slept with you, or sexted you does not mean that they are obligated to do it again.
Sexual assault comes in many forms. In some cases, the other person may not even need to physically touch you for it to be considered assault. There are plenty of different forms of sexual assault:
- Rape
- Molestation
- Harassment
- Unwanted touching above or below clothing
- Exposing or flashing
- Sharing nude photos or videos without consent (even if they were given with consent)
If you are a victim of any of the above, know that above all else, it is not your fault, and you are not alone. These are the steps you should take if you have been sexually assaulted:
- Call 911 if you’re in immediate danger or are injured.
- Reach out to someone you trust. You don’t have to go through this alone.
- Contact the police to report the sexual assault. What happened to you is a crime.
- If you’re raped, get a “rape kit” completed immediately. This can be administered at a hospital or clinic and will be useful to collect evidence, regardless of whether or not you’ve decided to report the sexual assault to the police.
- Contact your local sexual assault center to seek counseling.
- Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.
Dealing with sexual assault isn’t easy, as it can have a devastating toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. As difficult as it may be, take care of yourself during this time. Know that you are a strong individual, and be sure to seek counseling to talk with a professional about how to keep yourself healthy and stable.
Above all, know that this was not your fault. The only person at fault is the one who violated your body. You are not weak for “letting it happen.” Often times, people who have experienced sexual assault are silent and appear to “give in” to the sexual act for fear of harm or wanting the incident to be over, NOT because they’re consenting to the act.
On the other side, you do not have consent from the other person if:
- They’re sleeping or unconscious
- You use threats or intimidation to coerce someone into something
- They’re incapacitated by drugs or alcohol
- You use a position of authority or trust, such as a teacher or employer
- They change their mind — earlier consent doesn’t count as consent later
- You ignore their wishes or nonverbal cues to stop, like pushing away
- You have consent for one sexual act, but not another sexual act
- You pressure or coerce them to say yes
Consent is not debatable, optional, or hard to ask for. It is a must for any sexual scenario. Failure to ask for consent is a huge violation of the other person’s well-being. No matter how apprehensive you might be about something, it never hurts to ask. However, it can hurt to ignore. Let’s recap on everything we’ve discussed:
- Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even if you’ve already started getting intimate. All sexual activity must stop when consent is withdrawn.
- Being in a relationship doesn’t oblige anyone to do anything. Consent should never be implied or assumed, even if you’re in a relationship or have had sex before.
- You don’t have consent if you use guilt, intimidation, or threats to coerce someone into sex, even if that person says “yes.” Saying yes out of fear is not consent.
- Silence or a lack of a response is not consent.
- Be clear and concise when getting consent. Consenting to go back to your place doesn’t mean they’re consenting to sexual activity.
- If you’re initiating sex with someone who’s under the influence of drugs or alcohol, you’re responsible for obtaining ongoing, clear consent. If someone is stumbling or can’t stand without leaning on someone or something, slurring their words, falling asleep, or has vomited, they’re incapacitated and cannot consent.
- There’s no consent when you use your power, trust, or authority to coerce someone into sex.
Let’s get personal: I am a victim of sexual assault. I was raped by a friend of mine, and sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend on multiple occasions. I did not know that I had the power to say no while it was happening. Had someone taught me that, I would be a completely different person today.
But because everything around me was warped, and because my friend told me that I had already agreed to everything beforehand, it was like everything was set in stone, and saying no wasn’t an option. He wound up hurting me and nearly getting me pregnant at fifteen. I would tell my ex-boyfriend no if I didn’t want to do something, but he believed that since we were in a relationship, he could do whatever he pleased.
I’ve heard my fair share of support and criticism from people, but I know my worth. And you should too. Don’t ever give into whatever someone wants you to do for them, no matter how miniscule or major the demand may be.
Cheers to all,
Nora x
