By Nyasia Rivera, Staff Writer
DEAR GOLDEN BEAR CARE,
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for a year (July 2020 to July 2021) and he was my absolute best friend, the first boy I have ever loved. Even after we broke up, we still talked and hung out a little, but now he refuses to talk to me because I moved away, AKA went to college. He’s upset that I “left him,” and he thinks I should have stayed in our home state if I actually cared about him or our relationship and our future together. I even considered transferring closer to home just to make it possibly work with him, but I really liked WNE.
We haven’t formally spoken in about two months. Two weeks ago we argued over this. Regardless of our fight, I still miss him so much and some days I really struggle with not having him to talk to. There are plenty of reasons to not miss him, but I still do. I’ve never gone through heartbreak before, and it’s starting to affect my schoolwork. I really want to talk to more people and move on from him, but I can’t imagine being with someone else. I’m worried when I go home on breaks that if I see him, I’ll totally crumble. My friends aren’t helpful, they keep telling me to “not think about it,” but everything makes me think of him. It’s really hard. What do I do?
-Struggling Out of State
DEAR STRUGGLING OUT OF STATE,
Moving away from home isn’t easy all by itself. You’re leaving your family, friends, essentially everything you know behind. And when you have a romantic relationship back home, that can complicate things even further. However, I think you’d find some relief in knowing that you are not at all alone.
I personally have struggled with this same issue when my ex-boyfriend and I were talking about schools that we wanted to apply to once we graduated high school. We had just broken up the week before and decided to stay friends. The night I found out I had been accepted into WNE, I was ecstatic! Even though we weren’t together anymore, he was one of the first people I called to share the news with. And what did I get back?
“No, don’t go. I’m going to miss you too much.” What?
Mind you, we weren’t even together when he said this, and the breakup with still fairly recent. I couldn’t believe he thought that was an appropriate thing to say after I worked so hard to get into a school that I adored. It made my blood boil knowing that he tried to turn a joyful memory into a moment of pity for him.
And I’m sure that’s how you felt too. It’s absolutely heartbreaking when you’re trying to flaunt your achievements, and then you have that one person in your life that puts a damper on the mood by going, “But what about me?”
You deciding to enroll at a school that’s not in your home state does not mean that you didn’t care about him or your relationship. This is/was a fear of his because being apart from someone you love is terrifying, especially since you’d be in a new environment with new people. He might’ve though that you would begin to grow your social circle and begin to forget about him and your relationship. Maybe you would’ve gotten too busy with classes to call. The fact that you weren’t physically close to him could’ve also played a huge factor because he can’t just call you and ask you to come over. Being apart is scary! But it’s the way that he handled it that wasn’t correct. This situation with you going to college shouldn’t have been turned into a “it’s either me or them” conflict. You could have absolutely still been in a relationship with him while being away from home. You wouldn’t have been gone forever!
I can tell that even now you still hold him close to your heart because here you are, still mourning the loss of not just a romantic relationship, but also possible friendship as well. However, even though he’s no longer in the picture, he still has a grip on your mental well-being. You said it yourself: you’re falling behind on schoolwork and struggling with your social life, which is added stress that you don’t need in your life. So, right now, we’re going to shift the conversation from your ex-boyfriend to coping strategies to help you manage your future, because this is about you, not him. Remember that: this is about you.
ENJOY YOUR ALONE TIME
Being by yourself in public places is typically viewed as a negative thing, but when you’re fresh out of a relationship, it might be just what you need. A lot of people find themselves often doing things alone when first moving on campus: whether it be studying, eating, or walking to and from class, there’s not always going to be someone to be there to hold your hand.
However, during simple times and tasks like these is when you can take a step back and appreciate yourself. Being in a relationship makes you become attached to your partner; it can almost feel like having an extension of yourself or vice versa. But now that you’re alone, your time is yours to spend however you want. Being more comfortable with being alone helps you strengthen your relationship with yourself, which can lead to healthier relationships with other people in your life. Sometimes, when I’m sitting at my desk and begin to feel anxious because none of my roommates are home, I take a deep breath to ground myself, and remind myself that I’m doing the best that I can. Be sure to do that for yourself too.
BE YOUR OWN CHEERLEADER
During those times when you’re studying for a test or doing your laundry, be sure to give yourself a pat on the back. Sometimes after a breakup, we realize that we relied a lot on our partner for positive reinforcement whenever we accomplished something. So, when the partner or relationship is absent, it can be difficult to keep going throughout the day.
But do you want to know a secret? You can do that exact same thing for yourself!
This is something I love to do for myself and others. When I finish a quiz or manage to clean my room, I congratulate myself for doing it. Or if I see one of my roommates excited about something they accomplished, I give them my praise. Watching someone’s face light up when you say something positive makes my day.
And this is something you can do for yourself. The next time you get out of bed, brush your teeth, dress yourself, and go to class, smile at yourself in the mirror and say “You’re doing amazing.” Because you are! Even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, you’re persevering through your struggles. You’re still living. Remind yourself that you are worthy of the time of day.
SPEND TIME WITH THOSE YOU LOVE
I know that the first piece of advice on this list revolves around being alone. However, it circulated around enjoying your alone time that naturally happens during your day. Isolating yourself from friends, family, and the world is not a healthy coping mechanism. Sure, it’s okay to snuggle up in bed and watch Netflix by yourself, but spending most of, if not all of your time by yourself isn’t beneficial in the long run, and could damage your ability to socialize with others.
You mentioned your friends telling you to “not think about it.” This is absolutely impossible to do when you have too much free time to sit by yourself and wonder about what could have been. Spending time with other people–whether it be watching movies, cooking, or going out–helps to quiet the anxious thoughts that plague your mind and ruin your mood.
Spending time with those you love is essential when you’re going through heartbreak, or really any type of trauma. It helps to boost your mood and make you feel a little bit better about your life, and reminds you that while you may have lost one person, you still have plenty of people around you who care for you, and only want the best for you. Whether it’s a movie marathon, a lunch date, or even a simple car ride, activities like these can help you heal from a breakup.
I want you to know, whoever wrote this–as well as anyone who can relate to this–that you’re not alone. Breakups are a part of life, and unfortunately, this may not be the last one. However, it’s the way that you cope with the breakup that’s important. Destructive behaviors can sabotage your healing process. It’s okay to cry and mourn your relationship with someone, but when it begins to have constant negative consequences on other aspects of your life–grades, socializing, hygiene, eatings habits, etc–that’s when you need to draw the line. Ultimately, the only person in the whole world who can change things is yourself. Learning good coping mechanisms is key when it comes not only to breakups, but for every negative thing that life can throw at you.
I hope this article helps you in the long run! Feel free to send us any updates, or ask us how to cope with something else entirely. Thank-you for reaching out; it takes guts. We’re proud of you.
Sincerely,
Golden Bear Care
