By Nora Beechwood
Aftercare. A crucial, but often overlooked step of sex. Chances are, you’ve never heard of aftercare. And there’s probably a reason for that: aftercare is widely known in the BDSM community, but it’s not as practiced outside of it. There’s a stigma that in order to qualify for aftercare, you and your partner need to push the limits of how much you can both handle in bed, physically, emotionally, and mentally. That’s why it’s so popular in the BDSM community, and why it’s a huge red flag when “doms” online say that they don’t partake in aftercare.
During sex, and this is especially true if you’ve orgasmed, your brain releases a hurricane of endorphins and hormones that surge through your body. However, once the sex is done, the production rate of these endorphins plummet, and so can your mental stability. This is known in the BDSM community as a “drop.” Your mind and body have been pummeled and roughed up, and now everything has suddenly stopped, and you realize that it’s over.
If this has happened to you, don’t worry. In a 2015 study done in Australia, 46% of 230 women have felt some form of anxiousness, sadness, or some other unpleasant emotion after sex. This doesn’t mean that the sex itself was bad; it just means that your mind is recovering and trying to adapt to not having so many good feelings running through your head.
The methods of aftercare vary as much as personalities, but I’ve got you covered for the basics if you’re new to this. However, I will say this before we begin: if you do not feel like you’d be okay giving some form of aftercare post-sex, then you’re not ready to have sex with that person. They’re welcoming you into a space where they feel comfortable showing their most private and intimate parts of themselves. You want to show respect and appreciation for someone who opened themself up to you like this, and if you can’t handle it, you’re not mature enough to take things to this level. Even if you’re casually hooking up, aftercare can help soothe someone’s mind that’s racing with bad thoughts after sex that you may not be aware of.
Pillow talk
While it may not be easy, talking to each other after sex can help calm those dark thoughts you might be having. Checking in with your partner, even with something as simple as a, “Are you doing okay?” can encourage someone to open up and calm down if they’re feeling anxious. Being able to have an open conversation about what you enjoyed and what could be improved on could make a world of difference next time, and also make the time after sex less awkward.
Cuddling/holding each other
Sometimes, all you need after getting as close with someone as possible… is to get even closer! Cuddling helps to produce oxytocin and endorphins in the brain. Plus, it requires little energy, so if you spent all of yours breaking the bed, this could definitely help you and your partner grow closer.
Bathing/showering together
Sometimes things get messy when we go wild. You might be sweaty or smelly and feel like cleaning up. Inviting your partner to come to help you get clean or vice versa helps to build a stronger relationship, plus it’s super romantic, and it shows that both of you care. Having someone reach those spots you can’t quite get on your own is bliss, even if sex wasn’t involved beforehand.
Eating/rehydrating
Just like any other physical activity, we burn through calories and get dehydrated during sex. Be sure to keep some water or tea nearby, as well as have some snacks on hand for afterward. Sitting in bed or on the couch together just munching on snacks and drinking water can be a calming bonding moment.
Watching a movie/TV show
If you feel like things might be boring with just snacks, put on a movie! You and your partner just gave each other a show, why not enjoy someone else’s? By incorporating snacks, drinks, and cuddles, it can enhance your mood and help raise your spirits if you’re feeling anxious.
Sleeping together
Sometimes you might not even have the energy to put your clothes back on — and that’s ok! Just make sure that your partner doesn’t need anything before the two of you go to sleep. Also, be sure that you’ll have the privacy to sleep. You don’t want your roommate to unexpectedly walk in and wake the two of you up by accident.
Let’s get personal: My boyfriend and I always practice aftercare whenever we get intimate. Both of us like to occasionally get rough, but sometimes we get anxious afterward because we feel like we may have taken it a step too far. So, to prevent that from happening, we always check in with one another. Sometimes we’ll be really sleepy and go to bed. Sometimes we’ll start watching a show together. Sometimes we lay together and talk about our future, or the secrets of the universe. All of these things help us to love each other more and take our minds off of the negative things that can flood your brain after sex. I hope this list helps you too, because having a drop absolutely sucks, especially if your partner isn’t receptive to your needs before, during, and after sex.
Cheers to all, have an amazing summer!
Nora xxxx.
